Its what we used to live for
by Sorugao-BandGeek
Summary: Side Story from my drabble collection: Moments with Him. Character:Ryohei SasagawaxReader. You knew since the beginning it was a bad idea, but what can you do but follow your heart? Heartbreak/sadness/Lussurianess


Song playing:

**You are not alone **_Michael Jackson_

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Somewhat a side story for: **Moments with him: Chapter 15: **Sasagawa Ryohei:

Somewhat of a lemon.

2,913 total words originally.

**Disclaimer: I don't own KHR!**

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You didn't know when the night visits started, nor did you care.

All you remembered was a inky black, wet night, like today's and him coming in through the door thinking it was the hospital section of the castle. But like always he was mistaken, as drunk as he was, he confused you with his beloved fiance and questioned what _she _was doing here.

You could easily remember him stumbling towards you, hands gripping your shoulders pulling you towards him, only for him to pull you to hard and fall backwards onto the floor, you straddling his waist.

His hands slid down from your shoulders, followed down the swell of your breasts and reached your hips, were his fingers slid underneath your white blouse and upwards once again, hands pushing up your bra to cup your breasts.

You shuddered at that thought, your heart speeding up with lust.

"Stupid." you muttered to yourself, resting your forehead on the cold glass window pane.

You hadn't regretted what you had let Ryohei do to you, nor what you did to Ryohei, what you did regret was seeing the guilt and sorrow that appeared in his eyes the following morning. If you had stopped him, if only you hadn't let your feelings get in the way, things could have been avoided, but no you had wanted it, and you had taken advantage of his weak moment.

You heard the faint sounds of footsteps outside your door, the knob being turned, and someone walking in, closing the door behind them with a faint click.

"[Name]," came the quiet murmur from Ryohei, who stood awkwardly in the middle of your room

"Yes?" you said it in a questioning voice, not bothering to look at him

You figured by the silence in the room, he was still searching for something to say to you; you turned to look at him, leaning casually against the wall, and gave him a pointed look.

"Ryohei," he looked up at you, handsome face laced with sadness and some other emotion you didn't bother to point out, "It would be better if you left, there's no need for you to be here."

Ryohei starred at you, confused at the way you had talked to him and easily dismissed him from your room.

"Now wait a second- - "

"Nothing has to be said," you cut in, voice turning from soft to a hardened tone, "Like I said before, it'd be the best thing for you to leave right now."

You both starred at each other, a heavy silence left hanging around.

Inside you were hurting, crying, screaming for Ryohei to come closer, to hold you, to kiss you and tell you everything will be fine; but the time for that is long gone.

"So you mean to say, after all we've done these past two years you want it to be over?" he asked walking towards you, a no nonsense look on his face, "Is that what you're trying to say?"

"Yes." you pressed yourself more against the wall, crossing your arms across your chest, and kept your stoic eyes on him, "I've been prepared for this moment to happen any time now, you should've been expecting it too."

He stood right in front of you, his hands came up and cupped your face, he leaned down and brought your face closer to his, easily claiming your lips.

You didn't kiss back, you tried not too, you couldn't, after all the times you thought of how to go through with it, this was one of the ones you didn't want to happen.

"Kiss me," he murmured against your lips, "Please..."

You dared to look into his conflicted stormy eyes, and quickly wished you hadn't as you looked away.

"Ryohei, you're only making this harder, just please, just do this! Do this for Hana, she still hasn't found out right? Do it for her, if you love her!" you exclaimed, grabbing his hands and pulling them away from your face

"But what if I said I loved you too?" he murmured, this time caging your body with his

"Don't do this," you whispered as he kissed you again, this time deepening the kiss, this time with you kissing back.

His hands gripped your elbows, slowly curled themselves within your hair.

"You've made me want you [Name]," he said between breathes as he moved his lips across your cheek, down your neck

You tried to keep yourself from crying out in frustration.

"Do you regret what you've done with me?" he asked, as his hands pulled away from your hair to reacquaint themselves with the rest of your body

Your breath hitched as his fingers teased your naked inner thigh, slowly inching higher towards your slick and hot entrance

"Ryohei, _please._"

"No, no, no, I'm not letting you go."

His hands moved to grip your hips, fingers digging into the skin through the clothing you wore.

Tears slid down your cheeks, your heart quenched with guilt and love.

"I don't want to either,"

"Then?"

You allowed your hands to wrap around his neck, pull his head up and kiss him with all you had. He picked you up, you wrapped your legs around him and he leaned against you.

Lips slid across each other smoothly, and you couldn't help but feel that this was somewhat right, but as he pulled away, leaving you breathless, things came crashing down once again.

"Please, I don't want to." you murmured as you felt his hands slowly moving underneath your skirt, "Ryohei, if, if you want to keep doing this..."

Ryohei pulled away from you, letting your feet touch the ground he stood a bit away from you.

"What'll I have to do?" he asked, voice a bit lower than before

You looked at the ground, while you played with your fingers; closing your eyes you took a deep breath, looked up and met his gaze.

"You'll have to tell Hana."

He looked at you in disbelief.

"I can't do that, it'll hurt her so much...I- I can't."

You smiled somberly at him, already knowing that that was his answer.

"Well then, I guess..."

"What do you guess now? Why are you suddenly saying what I should do?" he asked, his demeanor from before flipping from a cool headed Ryohei, to a angered one

"I started this, didn't I?" you asked raising an eye brow at him, a bit worried now that he sarted questioning you "I should either end it, or continue it. Aren't _you _also the one seeking someone else? Well? You came to me, and I'm not about to let myself fall into this any further than I already am."

He looked at you, mouth agape and at a loss from words.

"Well then, I'll make a decision, I'll leave you and stay with Hana; unlike you, she and I can communicate." he replied coldly, though you knew he didn't mean what he. At least you hoped he didn't.

"Oh, now you give me the cold shoulder, now you treat me like that hmm? Weren't you just awhile ago asking for me to not leave you? To not end this?" you asked him, angered that he dared to compare you with Hana.

"Well then, I will take the approach you wanted and leave for good."

"Hmph, then go, it was what I had planned since the beginning." you said, letting a smirk take over your lips at his hurt look

"So since the first time, this was planned? I don't know anymore..." he turned and walked away from you, his hand was on the door knob when you called out to him once more

"What don't you know anymore Ryohei?" you steeled your heart over for the words that were to come

"I don't know what I ever saw in you all those years ago. I've noticed now what you are, you're a deceiving woman [Name], you use men to your advantage, and when they don't do as they say, you drop them. Well this time that won't happen, I'm dropping you." and he slammed the door behind him

You starred at the closed door in shock at what he had just said.

Lightening rumbled in the background, illuminating your pale complexion, your sorrow filled [e/c] eyes.

Another rumble, and you cried out loudly, quickly biting down on your hand to muffle your cry and sobs that racked your body.

_'He said that out of anger, he did, he did.' _you repeated over and over in your head, as you tried to catch your breath

"I loved him," you spoke breathlessly, "I loved him, I had him, and I let him go. Why! Something good that happened in my life and its taken away from me like this- - " your throat clenched up, you squeezed your eyes shut, "No more tears, I've cried enough for this day." and willing yourself, you stood up and walked towards the bathroom, and locked the door for no one else to get in.

Outside your door, Ryohei heard your words over the rumble of thunder.

A tear slid down his cheek before he brushed it away.

You weren't like how he said you were; he lied. You were a cold calculating woman, sure you could easily decieve others like he had said, but over the two years since that eventful night, you two had gotten to know each other even more, he had found out you weren't like how he thought you were, because of that he had fallen for you too.

But every time he would go back to Hana, he always found something that made him love her more; her innocence. Her sweet innocence, somewhat like Kyoko's. She's never been part of any dark group like you have, she's never killed, she doesn't know everything about this job of his, and he was glad for that.

He walked away from your door, he was pretty sure he'd never be coming down this overly familiar hallway again; what he was sure about though was the small part of his heart you resided in.

"Leaving already Sasagawa-kun?" asked Lussuria, who was caring some documents

"Yes, are those for me?"

"Yes, these are to be given to the Decimo."

"Alright then, thank you."

"Good-bye," spoke Lussuria as he opened the front door for his fellow sun guardian, "And don't worry about [Name], I'll take care of her."

Ryohei starred at the man in bewilderment, who just giggled and held a finger to his lips. The Varia castles door closed quickly right behind him.

The rain quickly drenched him as he walked out from underneath the porch area of the castle.

His head turned around once more, searching for the window in which he knew you resided in and couldn't help but feel doubt flow through his body.

"She wanted this too, from the beginning," he mumbled, "Even though it'd hurt her, she, like me, thought of Hana. Take care of her," he whispered to no one in particular as he got in the car and drove out the gates

"She needs it right now."

_"Sasagawa-kun?" you questioned, standing up from the chair you had been sitting on_

_"Hana, what're ya doin' here?" he asked drunkly, as he somewhat walked and stumbled on his way over to you._

_"Sasagawa-kun, I'm not your wife. Its me, [Name]."_

_He looked at you through glazed over, happy eyes; totally ignoring what you had said_

_"I love you Hana," he murmured, wrapping his arms around you and kissing you, which took you by total surprise._

_You tried pulling away from him, only for it be futile, you two ended falling backwards with you straddling his waist._

_"Sasagawa-kun, I don't think,"_

_His hands were already groping your breasts, thumbs running over your nipples. You let out a surprised gasp as he pinched them, and you glared weakly at him as he smiled at the sound you had made._

_Somehow your shirt was off before you knew it, and he was hovering over you, hands running over your smooth legs as he kissed his way from your lips to your neck, were he left reddening love bites. Your back arched as his tongue licked at your breast, his teeth nipping at the hardening bud._

_"Ryohei~" you gasped out, accidentally calling him by his first name_

_He himself groaned when you wrapped your legs around his waist and groud your hips against his. _

_"Hana..." he breathed out, has his hands hiked up your skirt and pulled down your panties_

_"[Name], [Name], Ryohei." you murmured into his ear, as you managed to switch positions with him._

_Your hands roamed down his naked chest and at the hem of his pants, quickly buttoning and unzipping them. He kicked them off, his hand already at your shoulder to move you again beneath him, but you stopped him. Your hand skimmed along his clothed member, and he moaned in appreciation as you squeezed him._

_"For once, lets do things my way~" _

You woke up with a start, water splashing against your face as you upsetted the bath filled with water.

Your head rolled back to lay against the sponge pillow you had, the tears stung at the back of your eyes but they didn't dare fall. Its been a couple of days since you'd seen Ryohei and whenever you closed your eyes a thought or a memory of him would come, if not when you fell asleep it was always reliving the nights you two were together.

You sighed, damn him, damn him, damn him!

A knock came at the door, quickly driving you out of your thoughts.

"Come in." you instantly said, not caring if they saw you naked in the bath water

"[Name]-chan, I brought you some food, you haven't been eating as of late." came Lussuria's voice,a s he leaned against the doorway. You instantly felt his disapproving gaze and you flushed.

"I haven't been feeling well lately." you murmured, looking away from the man

"It doesn't matter, to feel better you have to get some energy in your body, if not you'll wilt away, and I don't want my beautiful flower to die away now." said Lussuria, as he stepped in the bathroom, and took a seat on the stool you kept at the side of the tub, "Now if you want you could tell Mama Luss about the thing that is bothering you, or you can continue feeling burdened."

You cracked a smile at that. Leave it to Lussuria to make you feel somewhat better.

"And you know Mama wants to hear about what happened that day when the Vongola Decimo's sun guardian was here." he said, looking you directly in the eyes, "And don't you dare say nothing happened, I know what you two have done. Don't think I don't know your dirty deed [Name]. Mama knows best~"

"Oh Luss," you said rolling your eyes at the mother hen of the Varia, "Fine, I'll talk just let me get out of here and change."

"Good. Now while you tell me your little tale of adventure, I want the food I cooked for you finished before you end your story, got that?"

"Oh geez, _yes mother_."

Having felt like crap for days, and having the secret torment you for days, you were glad to finally be able to get it off your shoulders. You were glad there would be someone who would know about this, and be able to somewhat help you.

All in all, you were just happy to be able to breath well for once after you finished telling your 'adventurous' story.

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**AN:**

I used the word 'somewhat' alot.

Blehh hopefully this came out alright, it was originally just going to be around 1000 or so words, but I _had _to add Lussuria and it came out longer:P

This is not really edited, I just typed it and posted it. I'm tired of typing and starring at the computer screen, so no edit this one. :|

Anything else?

Oh yeaa, someone has to write me either a Fran/Basil/Kawahiro one-shot 83 Just kidding~ [unless you want to 8O] Mehh!

Well Review/Favorite [if you favorite review] Tell me what you think about it!

_Sorugao-BandGeek_

PS: 3,125 words after adding the extrass. [Not including this:P]

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Song Playing:

**Dark Clouds **_Naruto Shippuden OST_


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